Crock Pots
Every mom owns a crock pot, because Dr. Oz says it’s a good way to eat nutritious meals, and since they always imagine they’re incredibly busy even though they spend at least 3 hours a night watching Bones. But they never use them, ever. In fact, does anyone actually use crock pots, or is this one of those items that sits unused, like treadmills and and bread machines? Either way, your mom refuses to get rid of the crock pot, because she’s going to get around to using it soon.
Christmas!
Your mom lives for holidays and family get-togethers, so go hang out with her instead of browsing the internet, dammit! And you’d better have gotten her a present, mister.
Denim Dresses
If you’re mom is on the stylish side, she might have abandoned casual denim dresses a few years ago after her divorce, but trust us, she will come back to them in a few years when she’s past her cougar phase. They’re just so comfy, and they work from the office to the Olive Garden. Moms are especially drawn to denim dresses with embroidered details, and if the embroidery is seasonal, all the better.
Target
What is it about shopping at Target that makes you feel like you’re just a teensy bit classier than people who shop at Walmart and K-Mart? The stores are basically all the same, so I guess it’s clever branding and marketing. Whatever it is that Target does, moms are helpless against its power. They can buy everything there, from sensible shoes to cat food to tooth whitening strips, and at such low prices! They probably never even question Archer Farms’ claim that it is actually a farm.
Cruises
Even though cruises are riddled with crime, disease and crappy buffets, moms can’t get enough of them. Maybe it’s the 24 hour open bar, or the excuse to relax poolside (even though they could do that at home for free). What I’ll never understand is why these cruise companies offer Alaskan tours. Alaska is hardly my idea of a tropical getaway. Plus it’s boring. What are you going to buy when you go port hopping, sleds?
The Today Show
Your mom may flirt with other networks, but she has a special place in her heart for NBC. Maybe it’s the comforting late night presence of Jay Leno, but more likely it’s the cheerful cast of The Today Show. Meredith Vieira, sexy Matt Lauer, hot topics and more…it’s mom heaven in TV form.
Tony Bennett
I guess I’m just too young to understand why Tony Bennett is famous, but it seems like there’s some sort of mom conspiracy to like him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Alpine Lace Swiss Cheese
This reduced-fat cheese product is on every mom’s shopping list. It’s tasty, relatively healthy, and goes well with their other favorite food, Ak Mak crackers.
Getting Cards
It doesn’t take much to make your mom smile on Mother’s Day, her birthday, or even Christmas. All you need to do is write her a thoughtful greeting card, preferably handmade, and she’ll have a twinkle in her eye for days. Not that you shouldn’t shower her with gifts, but if you’re too poor, no need to worry. It’s the thought that counts.
Ak-Mak Crackers
When moms are feeling peckish, there’s no snack that satisfies their hunger like a box of dry wheat rectangles. To be fair, these sesame seed-sprinkled crackers are pretty tasty if you put a shitload of cheese on them.
